Let me start of by saying that I am a contradiction. By that, I don't mean that I'm a hypocrite. (Even though I am. If someone says that they aren't, it's very likely that they're bullshitting you.) It's like being a hypocrite, but not quite.
For example, I like cute things like Hello Kitty but am bothered to bits by babies. (Sorry about the tongue-twister!) I'm all about flirting with guys, but I'm not a relationship kinda girl. (See: With a Girl Like You - The Troggs) I love shopping, but I never have any money for it. I have two tattoo's to remind me of who I am and what I believe in, but I don't want Miguel (my "father) to know about them. And finally, I think I'm dying but I'm still a smoker.
Yes, I am a smoker. I don't know if I've mentioned this before (I have the world's worst memory), but I smoke. Cigarettes that is. Don't ask me about weed because I will start bitching about how bad it is for you. See, there! Another contradiction!
And here are my cig's now:
Yes, Camel Crush. I know, I'm an expensive girl.
Anyways, I was going somewhere with this... Where was I going???
Oh yes, I think I'm dying but I'm still a smoker. Let's start off with the fact that I think I'm dying.
Yes, I think I'm dying. At 21, I firmly believe I will not make it past thirty. I don't know why I think this, but let me explain some things and hopefully you'll get where I'm coming from.
My mom died when I was young. Death was this elusive idea that said that once something had succumbed to this, it would be gone forever. If this notion isn't scary, I don't know what is. All I know is that, never fully understanding this when my mom died, it made me, I don't know, dislike? misunderstand? be thoroughly confused by? the concept of death. So me and death haven't always been the best of friends. From my youth, or rather from my angst ridden teenage years, I've had the odd feeling that I wouldn't get to be old. Why? I don't know. I just know that some part of me believes, or rather KNOWS, I will not live to watch my niece become an adult. Or watch human, not satellite, exploration of the solar system. Or see the last day in which oil is extracted from the planet. Yes, for a couple of years now I have been randomly telling those "close" to me that I will die young. I don't know from what. I'm thinking maybe cancer, some kind of brain tumor, but who knows.
As for being a smoker, well what can I say? I have been smoking for two years, or rather it will be two years this July. And while not my most productive of hobbies, it it the one thing that calms me down, no questions asked. Everything else on this planet can, and possibly will annoy me to bits, but smoking just calms me down. But, of course, it does have it's downsides. For example, the obvious cancer risk. Plus, if I haven't eaten all day, and I smoke more than one cigarette, it'll make me disoriented as well as nauseated. But I gotta say that alcohol doesn't do this.
Well, there you have it. A belief of a short life, a young death, from a mother-less daughter of a woman who died from lung cancer (yes, Marlene was a smoker; which is interesting, in an odd, inappropriate way; like mother, like daughter anyone?) who, despite being aware of all the health risks continues to smoke.
What can I say? What do you want me to say?
Happy Mother's Day from a girl without one!