1) You should be ashamed for coming into someone's place of work and insulting them. Your mother would be ashamed.
2) OMFG, it's a fucking car! I'll get it fixed and that will be that.
3) I really don't care that you're pissed.
4) I think I'm getting fatter.
5) Dude, I'm human. I make mistakes. And for the record, I'm kinda busy already wiping your ass to deal with this.
6) I want a teacup pig. Wait, no I don't. I just wanna borrow one for a few hours.
7) Dude, I can't believe you use "lol". There's a tweet about that that I should totally show you.
8) I went 80mph on the freeway. It's one of the better things about my week.
9) To the guy on the bus: what the hell was going on there? If you wanna check me out, go ahead. Be prepared to get dirty looked, though.
10) My shoulder looks totally badass.
11) I'm thinking about getting a haircut again. I know it was barely 3 months ago, but still.
12) I need me some action. SOON!
13) Quick Minute is such a grimey little bitch.
14) I really should update that breakup playlist.
15) Crying in the shower was one of the more liberating activities of my week.
16) FIREMEN!!! And one of them was hot...
17) Hey, hey, hi. It's me we're talking about. You really shouldn't take me seriously.
18) "Cry on the inside, like a winner." <- I actually said this one a few times.
19) I really should vacuum. And soon.
20) You drive like a whore.
21) Yeah, ______, he's probably cheating on you.
22) OMG, Danish tv is like on a whole other level.
23) Surgery is scary. Sorry man.
24) Why has it been a year since I've gone to the movies? That is so sad.
25) This is so predictable.
26) We're never gonna meet, are we? You really just wanted someone to talk to and you're leading me on.
27) You're so short. I could fit you in my pocket.
28) I cried twice this week.
29) It's balls hot.
30) I want pizza.
31) Sorry, I don't shit where I eat.
This has been a shitty week. And I can't believe it's May. Woah, where has the time gone?
If you have any questions, feel free to ask :)