Oh, hey, it's been over a month since that has happened. Yay!!! Progress!!!
Since the moment I got that email, I went through an array of emotions. I may still be going through them, but I'm boring as bread. (If you know what this is about, I am gonna wear the shit out of this, so help me god.) I went through the whole emotion spectrum, and this was more than okay with me. This was my first break up. No, sorry, this was the first time I was dumped. Granted, this was also from my first relationship ever, but, well, yeah.
Back to it. I felt everything you can feel: sadness, depression, anger, shame, disappointment, rage, happiness, numbness, etc. It was a freakin' rainbow of emotions and I never once tried to fight it.
A few weeks before getting dumped, bestfriend got dumped. She was privileged. He did it in person. (Yes, that is privilege. Feel free to fight me on this.) He did it, in person, at a car wash. Afterward, he walked away while she had to stay, feeling whatever she felt, because she had to wait for her car. And people ask me why I have no expectations for men.
So I saw her go through shit. As far as she knew, things were okay. Maybe even getting better. She just graduated college and finally had some time to breathe. But no. He, without warning broke up with her. I saw her the next morning because I wanted to see her, to talk. We talked about so many things and she told me what happened. At one point that morning she asked me, "Was I wrong to think we had a future together?"
She wasn't. No person is ever wrong to think there is going to be a future with someone who they are romantically involved with. That's the reason why you have decided to spend time with this person: because you laugh at the same shit, you're comfortable (if you get to this point) sharing your body with them, because talking to them brightens up your day. And because of these things, and so many more that would take forever to list, you start thinking that there may be a future with this person. That there may be more moments of laughing uncontrollably, and more of those looks, and more just everything.
All this is more than okay. We are human, so we hope. And what we hope for the most are moments of simple happiness, of feeling less alone. The moment we find someone who we think may make that happen, we start to hope, and there absolutely nothing with that. This is all of us. The minute this ends, that moment when hope is taken away, it's heartbreaking to say the least.
The day that I was broken up with, I felt like I failed. I felt that I could never successfully be in a relationship, so I would always be alone. This broke me. Yes, I was sad that someone who I made room for in my life was no longer going to be there, but I honestly felt like I was always going to be alone, not by choice but because no one would ever want to be with me.
It was really the loss of hope. I cried for the internal loss that could not be explained, but could be felt everywhere. Despite the fact that now I am happy to not be in a soul sucking relationship with someone I should have never been involved with, there are still times I feel sad. It's that loss of hope.
For all those of you going through a break up, or if you know someone in that position, here is what you should take away from this post:
- breakups suck, doesn't matter how long you were with the person
- we will not all feel the same things after a break up
- everyone is going to feel whatever they are going to feel and there should be no judgment in that
- it takes people different amounts of time to get over it
- there is always hope. it may not be right in front of you, but it's there.
- oh, and you're going to be okay.
Well, at least I hope I get to.
I couldn't pick one!!!