No, this isn't what I'm gonna write about. On my drive, in a semi appearing abandoned road next to some cows, I started thinking. My mind, and I really can't explain this, went to things that happen and those that don't. There are certain things in life that are meant to happen. Birth, death, change in all it's questionable essence. Love, no matter what type it is. Heartache and heartbreak. All these things, to some degree, happen to each and every one of us. This is part of life and the human existence.
My question is this: how do we know something is meant to happen? How do we know something is not meant to happen?
I actually have the world's saddest way of telling if this is the case when it comes to shopping for clothes. Side note: I am part of that whole mass consumerism thing and I desperately need to get my ass out of that shit. Anyway, if I find a shirt that I love and I'm able to find it in my size, it's meant to be. So easy, so simple is this. My philosophy towards buying clothes makes me happy, and sad.
But no, this post is not about something as superficial as buying that shirt that you kinda liked at the mall. I don't care about that shirt, no offense. I care about the major shit, the shit that brings you joy from within, and that which keeps you crying at night. That's my deal right there.
The question of the hour is in life, with regards to the big things, how do we know that something is meant to happen while something else isn't? How do we know to keep trying for thing A while we let thing B die by drowning? How do we know that going for this guy is going to be worth it, while that other guy is just a huge disappointment who will leave us on the side of the road like yesterday's roadkill? Is there a way to know before we go down that path if it's the yellow brick road or if it's the highway to hell?
At 26 I want to say that I have no effing idea towards what will lead to what. I find myself still side-swiped by the chances I take which end up amazingly, and those which lead to shit. And despite all that I know, and all that I've been through, I still find myself being constantly disappointed by boys. Congrats boys, you've done it.
(For the record, I'm aiming toward not being such a huge bummer in my writing, but every post ends up being kinda sad, in it's own way. FML.)
I'm not aiming to find an answer here. Life isn't about answering all the major questions; at least mine isn't. I find that I generally come up with the wrong answers toward things. Hey, what the hell do I know? I know that I'm lost. That counts for something, I think, but maybe not enough. So I have no answer here. I do, however, have something of a suggestion: if whatever path leads you to learn something about yourself and to experience something new and worthwhile, or not, does it matter if something was meant to be or not? If you get to live your life and you get one of the big cornerstones of life (birth, death, change in all it's questionable essence, love, heartache, or heartbreak), does it really matter if something was meant to be or not? I'm gonna say it doesn't.
Years later, you may use hindsight to decide if something was meant to happen or not. You may look at things from a new perspective and see things were either better, or (probably) worse that what your rose-colored glasses allowed at the time. You may see your naiveté and excess hope for a hopeless situation, and I sincerely hope you forgive yourself for that. Hope is the thing that makes the world go round.
But until you reach that point, enjoy your life. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, give yourself a break if shit goes south, and if you could see how something would turn out from the get go, you'd be double guessing yourself. Don't. Don't go there. You're doing okay (maybe?) as you are. You're only human after all. Self love, people. Always and forever.
That's it for this episode of Jen is a huge bummer. Until next time, kiddies!
This song is so not a bummer: