Play money

I know I mentioned yesterday we would delve into mid dudes, but I cannot. I do not have the energy to feed the ego of basic ass dudes who think they're special. You're not. Life is special. You're a Chad. 

Instead, we'll delve into me and that one time I decided to walk in a major US city by myself after 10pm. 

Early December 2022, I went on a mini vacation. Nothing major. Just went to visit former coworkers and then stopped by SF to see The New Pornographers play anniversary shows for Mass Romantic and Twin Cinema. Yes, I travelled to Toronto and they came around a year later. So what? A palm to the face and two trips later, we have no regrets. :) 

Night one after the show had me catching an Uber to the hotel, motel, Holiday Inn. I walked to the venue because I was on vacation, from my laziness. It was close and I drank and walked. I'm really dumb sometimes. I forgot that tiny drinking fact. I decided to be on one because I was on vacation. Fuck. Anyways, I exit the venue and there is some serious moisture in the air. I'd avoided getting sick  that season and I really didn't want to ruin night two, so I took an Uber back to my room. Not the worst thing ever, but not what I wanted for my walking vacation. Night two was much better. 

Night two was the night that The Fillmore gave out their free posters. I like going to shows at The Fillmore because of this. It's a good venue, but they do have a thing about pics of vids. That hasn't stopped this cunt. So a few shitty videos I have not looked at since I made them and a free poster later, I walked to my room.

So I start walking back. I will say that about a block from the venue I sobered up to the point where common sense crossed my mind. I also knew that if I didn't continue on my path, I would regret it. You really do regret the things you don't do. At this point I decided to try to stay near lit paths. Common sense. This decision did not last. I will say that buzzed me was also lazy and ultimately decided on the path of least resistance. Because of my choice of least resistance, I decided to turn right at the third block because walking downhill is so much easier than walking uphill. 

Walking downhill on a tree-filled street was not ideal. I have this really weird thing where sometimes I'm afraid of the dark. I wish I could explain it, but I can't. Anyways, I decided to walk confidently, the confidence of someone who is buzzed. Nearing the end of the block I take note of two individuals walking in my direction. They're holding something, and I'm on my own, so of course I get concerned, but I keep walking. I've committed to whatever comes next. Somehow, I'm not expecting the worst. I couldn't explain how or why, but this is me bravely facing whatever comes next. 

We meet at the end of the block and it is then that I realize they were at the show too! They're holding one of those free posters I have in my hand. Oh, this is too perfect, mostly because they're probably drunk too. It's one of those moments where you know you're dumb because you've been drinking and you're not making wise decisions, but then you encounter someone who is a bit worse than you because you know where you're going. You're not lost or confused. Yeah, it was that. And then and there, that's what I really needed. 

There was a mild Spiderman meme moment where my ass went, "Eeeyyyyyyyyyyy!" while pointing at their poster as I raised mine. I'm oh-so-proud. These dudes were cool enough to support my dorky-ness. My favorite part? We crossed paths like two ships in the night. Some moments can be small.

This is one of the more amazing things about life. Small random moments making essential memories. I love The New Pornographers, and I love all their shows I've gone to, as well as a majority of their catalog, but I've never befriended anyone who appreciates them like I do. I've never encountered an individual who has gotten as poetic about their lyrics as I can be. When I talk about music with others I don't mention them because of how unorthodox they are. But I'm a fan. It was comforting to cross paths with someone, out in the wild, who was a fan. It's one thing when you're all in the venue, but crossing a fan in the wild? Its a small comfort. 

Remember kids, the best things in life are free. 

I hope this was a cohesive story. Probably not 😭

Baby, it’s a heartbreak summer

I promised someone that I would write. I feel like writing. And here we are. 

Welcome back. 

At some point I’ll get to telling the tale of how I ended up in the backwoods corner known as Northern California. This place, these people. This is when getting what you think you want backfires. 

Man, Jen, you’re still talking mad shit. 

Obviously. Some things can never change. Would we want them to? Would we want me to be anyone but the depressed individual that you know and don’t really care for? (I was about to say love but you’re not related to me, therefore this isn’t a requirement to read all the shit I’ve decided to write down.) 

So what’s different for 2023? Umm, nothing? I’m brunette again. I was blonde for a moment and that was fun. I still define my sexuality on my own terms and am working on moving past my anger with men. I also had therapy for some time and am really thinking Lexapro could really help me right now. Oh yeah, I was on Lexapro for some time. Oh yeah, that’s right, COVID!

Anyways. 

Here is what’s new for this year: I started to like someone. It’s been YEARS so this is something. This will probably bite me in the ass, as is life, but oh well. I’m beginning to only regret the things I don’t do as opposed to those that I do. Every misadventure has been an adventure that didn’t turn out how I wanted it to 

C’est la vie. Such is life. 

For now I can’t over-delve into any topic as I may lose my mind, but I can say I got someone a plant for their 60th birthday and I think it’s helping the empty nest syndrome they are definitely going through. 

Until next time, when we discuss why mid dudes think they’re the shit. 

I'm pretty sure I used to put a song here. 

Friday, April 29th

I didn't really write about this but back in December I went to Toronto to see The New Pornographers for two consecutive nights. It, like the rest of my life, was chaotic, not fully planned, and did come with its ups and downs, but I will remember this trip, and the cold, for the rest of my life. Here is one specific memory I'll cherish for as long as I can remember: 

It's the morning of Tuesday, December 7th. Night one of The New Pornographers was amazing. Despite standing behind a tall individual, I am forever changed, in the best way ever. I'm walking through the empty, and cold Ward's Island, off the coast of Toronto, moving to stay warm. Last I checked, the temperature was below zero degrees Celsius. And, on my AirPods, on non-stop replay, is To Wild Homes by said New Pornos. Is it their most popular song? No. But the night before, when looking up at the stage and witnessing the brilliance that they are, this is the song that moved me. This is the song that will resonate with me. This is the song that will define this trip and I absolutely love it. I have no videos of this song being performed. This is a mild bummer but then I remember I was so entranced by the performance and Carl Newman drawing out "to wild homes" in his graceful manner that I am okay with this. Before smartphones and cameras you just had to be there to witness it. I was there and this is now one of my core memories. I keep moving, this island and these residences are too cute to waste. I finish my walk it time to return to the heated ferry. While seated, I make a new friend, Penny. She is warm and fuzzy and reminds me that I miss my cats. The trip back to the mainland is short. Despite the cold, I know I have to come back here when it's warmer. 

I thank the crew, walk off the boat, and keep on going. It's only noon after all. 

Sunday, April 17th

I can't explain it, but at 31, I am still doubting how much of a grownup I am. Is this a dumb sentence? I don't think so. I feel like this makes hella sense to many people, not all my age, all over the world. 

Like, somehow, within the last 2 months, I've managed to line up another job, a new apartment, have scheduled to transfer my renters insurance, and my PG&E service (also, fuck them; other people may have forgotten, but I remember the Camp Fire), and now I'm lining up water/sewer service and internet?? Who knew I could be this much of an adult?

Oh, wait, I did. I just forgot.

I, like I suspect many women do, do this thing where I doubt myself. I've done these things before, but somehow, I doubt that I can do them again. Why am I like this? Why do I put myself down like this?

It's stupid, is what it is. I don't know why this mentality has remained with me, despite reaching 31 and not being a failure. Granted, I am not a rich woman, but I have steady employment with benefits. There is a roof over my head, and even though I am in debt, I can still have some fun. (Being an adult is working with what you've got while aiming for your goals.)

I keep doubting myself despite all I've accomplished, and I should really stop doing this. 

By the time this post is published, I will have moved. How do I know this? Because despite all my anxieties and self-doubt, I, with the help of family, was able to gather up my life in Lodi and move it. 

Welcome to the next stage of my life. 

Sunday, March 13th

Happy birthday to my niece! She is 11, as of today. 

I know the aim of this blog was writing every day. And I wish I could say this was possible, but I have skipped a few days. My bad. We acknowledge this and move on. 

Since the last time I wrote, I have gone out to after work drinks with friends, have exhausted myself at work, have applied and been denied a home loan, have had questionable sex with someone I should've never fucked, have gotten a Costco card, and am currently packing. It's been an interesting few days. It feels like it's been a lifetime these last few days. I am so tired, and a bit emotionally drained. Not because of anything major of the sort, just, you know, packing and moving. 

In case you've never had to move, let me tell you a bit about it. It kind of sucks. It's the most fascinating, and a bit unnerving thing. You get to go through your life through your material possessions, and then have to box up this life, which just reminds you of how insignificant you truly are. At the end of your life, you really are just a number of boxes to be moved. All of this just reminds me of how much shit I have. Do I need it all? Probably not. Will I be moving it? Yes. Moving is already hard enough emotionally. Having to get rid of all these things that do and could mean something significant to one is just something that many are not strong enough for. I think I've done pretty good so far, but I know I am far from ideal on this whole moving thing. 

The whole home loan thing sucks, too. I want to ask Miguel for help, but I feel like it would be a lecture and then a no. All this emotional work to be rejected. This is to much for me right now. But if I'm going to do this at all, it has to be sooner rather than later. I don't think I'll be doing this tonight, but tomorrow night latest. Have I mentioned that today we lost an hour?

And that mistake that fucked me last night...never again. I knew it was a mistake when I saw him. He had the look of former meth addict. Yep, I fucked another one of those. I have to stop getting on Tinder while I'm gone. Where he was staying...it was a fucking shit show. It was so wrong. There was no toilet paper!!! I am honestly screaming this, in my mind, of course. I am sore today, and not in a good way. Bruh did lord know what to my neck? This needs to be gone by tomorrow. I'm 31, and have a real job after all. 

I have not eaten food today. Mini M&Ms do not count. I guess I should go handle this before doing anything else tonight. Off to get food and more mini M&M's!!

Tuesday, March 8th

 Another day, another dollar. I got my haircut today and I am definitely feeling it. No regrets, babies. 

Monday, March 7th

The rental situation sucks. The only thing hindering my move is the housing situation. It's gotten to the point where I am actually considering become a manufactured home owner. Me! Owning a home! More outlandish things have happened. 

You know what? Fuck it. I'm gonna apply for a pre-approval, or some ish like that tomorrow. This can be done, and it shall.

I was about to write this whole thing, but it's 1am, I've been cleaning and packing and tomorrow, er today is a long day ahead of me. Today I get a bob. Monday is the day when I consider becoming a homeowner.

Toodles!

Sunday, March 6th

 I am a procrastinator. I have procrastinated on beginning packing. Fuck. 

Also, how sad is The Good Place finale?

Saturday, March 5th

I woke up hungover. I am not proud. 3 margs and 2 shots and I woke up hungover. Probably didn't help that I started smoking as soon as I got home. :)

You know how when you have news for someone and they say they're excited for you, but something about the wording on their text seems unenthusiastic? Has this ever happened to you? I know that some variation of this has happened to many people. Well, this happened to me Friday. 

I wanted this to be a phone conversation, but with how Friday ended up working, I had to text my news to my 'best friend.' This feels like an honorary title. I don't think we've been best friends for a good while. The distance has hurt. Also, life. And personal growth. It's just one of those things that I've been saying for so long, it's a habit. I don't know if this will change, but I know we won't be going back to what once was. Anyway, this was a text. "Oh wow." The first two words of the response to my news. Oh. Wow. Is it just me or is this not settling right for you? It really isn't settling right for me. 

Our friendship hasn't felt right for months. After my birthday I realized that she remained being late. Whenever asking her to hang while I was in town, plans were made and she was late. Now, I understand that this is who she's always been, but I figured a bit of effort would be done as I am coming from hours away, and, you know, my time in LA is limited. But no. Still late. When I went down for D's birthday, she showed up after 7. I'd asked her in the morning to be there early to help me decorate, like around 3 or 4. This felt like an simple, easily doable request. And she showed up after 7pm. Oh, I should mention that because I had no help decorating (my niece is tied to her phone and I cannot even right now), I had a fall down the stairs. I'm okay, I had some bruising, but I feel like this could have been prevented had I not been trying to rush to finish decorating on my own. And this is why I feel like I can't reach out and ask for help. Because it feels like I'm asking for this huge thing, in reality it's rather small, and I can't even get this. Fuck. 

Anyway, I ended up making a rude ass comment during the party about it later on in the night, not my finest hour, and we never really mended shit. I reached out during Valentine's Day, and she responded acknowledging it, and I never responded. Remember when I posted all that shit about committing s*icide? Yeah, that's when. She reached out this Thursday to see how I was. Since this hasn't happened in months, I was defensive when responding. And because my focus was on my interview, I postponed contact. Is this a weakness? Maybe, but, and this is harsh, I did not want to be bummed before such a major occasion. I applied and less than 2 weeks later I had an interview? Yeah, that was a sign. (This was confirmed Friday, after all.) So it was pushed off. I have no regrets. I mentioned nothing to the LA peeps, and to my work supervisor until after I was offered the position. 

There have been text exchanges since then, but it feels just off. I do not feel like trying. I am exhausted. She mentioned that with long distance relationships there has to be effort. Umm, fuck yes. I go down to LA whenever I can. I don't ask for her to come up because of her work and schedule. I'd reach out every so often, and it always felt like time would pass before I got a response. I have gone above and beyond to retain this friendship in whatever way, shape, or form I can and it's been exhausting because for a while it's felt like it's mostly me working. I always make the initial contact. Is it so hard to do this? Until Thursday, I can say with some certainty that a solid 80 to 95% of the initial contact within the last few years has been me. Do you know what it feels like to always be the person reaching out? And not just with her but with all my 'family' in LA? It feels like a microaggression that I have to do this. It feels like some small punishment for me leaving LA. And it very much adds to the feeling of being unwanted I've had all my life. Yep. And now I'm crying. 

As someone with depression and anxiety, everything is analyzed and overanalyzed. The above may be false as fuck, but this feels so fucking real. 

So her throwing it in my face about long distance relationships take work, of course they fucking do Luiza!! I have tried to see about scheduling monthly phone dates to catch up, and nothing. (Her work schedule, that I am trying to respect even though I feel like she's being exploited.) Even though I miss her, I don't bother her with this because it's a distraction that I feel like she doesn't need. I support all the trips she takes; making sure not to shame her for only visiting me twice the entire time I've lived up here. (Keep exploring. That's awesome. This planet is beyond amazing.) If I have to do all this fucking work to maintain this 'friendship', I think I'm better off stepping back, taking space for myself, and using all the time and energy I've put into this 'relationship' and invest it in myself. 

I want to get better. I want to be less anxious and depressed and putting more of my time and energy into making me happy (which no one will do for you but you) seems like a much better thing to do than being lectured by someone who has done the bare minimum on a long distance friendship. 

Anyway, time to get off. I'm done with ranting. I am writing this, after all, on a Sunday, and I did not, as planned, start packing yesterday. 

Until next time. 

Friday, March 4th

Have I manifested this change? Is this something that I've done for myself??

I got the job. I got a job offer!!! 

Instead of being dumb over this, I said thank you and asked for 24 hours to consider this. You kind of have to do this after a certain point in your life. 

So I did. Before 2pm, I had mentioned to most of my friends and family about this job and there was nothing but support on the idea of me moving on, further away from all we've lived in. It was mentioned that I have nothing holding me here. I have friends, but this was more of the children variety, which, yeah, I do not have human children. My cat children are less than three feet from me just now. This is a wonderful opportunity, which it is. I wasn't enthusiastic about returning to LA. Fact. I was not interested in what I'd be moving back to. Sadly, because of everything, I would have to live with Miguel and I CANNOT do that again. I can't. I'd rather sleep in DeLiloh then go that route again. This statement is dramatic, and comes from a place of privilege, but I this is my truth. Going back there, to that, would harm my mental health beyond description. As I am putting myself first, I cannot and will not be doing this. So there. 

I found that the more I talked to people, the more certain I felt about moving on. I feel trapped in this place. I explained that I do feel like I've reached a plateau, job wise, and this is true. (It's much better than saying that these people have decided that with all my knowledge and skills, they prefer to hire outside than promote from within.) I don't care for my first apartment much anymore. Carpet with cats? Fuck me. Crooked windows? Not super cute. Threatening me about the cats? Rude. Annoying neighbors? They'll just keep coming because of the Bay Area transplants. The fact that my rent keeps getting raised? Not ideal. And many more complaints? Yeah. Once you know your worth, you aim to improve your status.

Really, there is nothing keeping me here. 

So after discussing everything, and thinking my thoughts and feeling my feelings, I accepted this job at a solid 2:59 pm, and I have no regrets. It was during this conversation in which some details were ironed out, and I learned something new. The latest that they'd like for me to start is in May. Okay. Cool. It's funny. When we had the interview Thursday, I was asked about starting. I was mature and realistic when I said I needed one to two months, mostly because of housing. This is growth and adulting. It was mentioned that if need be, they'd be able to help me with housing, either by writing a sort of employment letter, something to verify that my claims of employment and my reasons for seeking housing in the area are correct. Or reaching out to people they know and ask about the available rentals. Cool. I appreciate this. And it was mentioned that they are excited to work with me. Excited to work with me? Omg. My self-esteem is growing, just a bit. It's nice to be acknowledged for the skills I have, as opposed to pigeonholing me in the position I was hired in. Hello current job. 

Just hearing this put a smile on my face. It was a bit of a balm. After this, I became zen about this next step. I was indecisive, at first. Leaning toward a 'yes.' And at the end of the day, it was a solid 'let's do this.' Do I know what this whole journey will look like? I don't, but this is more than okay. Am I excited for the good, the bad, and the lonesome? I wouldn't say 'excited', but more along the lines of I am ready for the challenge. Let's fucking do this. 

After work drinks were done, because, of course, my girl still got unceremoniously, and very shadily fired. And it was...memorable. I probably said some inappropriate shit, but my days are numbered in this office. Also, at least I'm being the most real, drunk me, and these ladies seem to have appreciated that. :)

It's a shame to have found this community so close to my exit. I had fun last night. It will happen again soon, because, you know, leaving and yeah. 

I woke up hungover, which is embarrassing for me. I still haven't left my bed to be productive. But I do know that I have to start packing today, little by little. It's better to start early than wait for the last minute. So where do I start? 

Thursday, March 3rd

Job interviews are just not my fave. They all kind of suck. Put I had one today for that place I applied to, and I feel like it went well. Of course I won't know until I know. 

This group therapy I've been assigned to...I don't feel like I'm benefiting from this. Maybe I should just skip the rest of the sessions? Something to think about, I guess.

Apart from this, I am one day closer to Friday, and that's all I have to say on that.

Wednesday, March 2nd

Boy, does my job suck. 

One of my fave people, a true positive influence at my job, was fired Tuesday. 

Every day, this place sucks a little bit more. 

Stuff happened today, but this is the biggest news, and the biggest bummer. 

Oh, the second biggest bummer was that the New Yorker screwed me over, and overdrafted my account. But that's been fixed. Handled it like a grown up. :)

Tuesday, March 1st

During group therapy last year, I learned that it takes 21 days to form a new hobby. I am trying to do this with my writing, but I am dropping the ball. Still gotta try my best, though!

In true TMI fashion, I will share that I started spotting today. Maybe this explains why I'm feeling so bitchy towards everyone, or maybe just everyone sucks. Not totally sure, but I'll keep this in mind. It is Tuesday, I have just realized that I'm to be poorer than anticipated, and Ukraine is still being bombarded by an invasion. 2022 seems to be living up to the suck.

Oh, I decided to get a bob. It's time. I am excited. I share this with no one so their negative opinions will not shape how and when I do this. I have an appointment for next Tuesday and I am just so freakin' excited! I'll have to look over all my saved screengrabs to see exactly what I want. I already sent something to my girl, and do I love it? Hold up, let me look at the picture. Yes! Blunt bob amazingness! I will share right now. 

I shall now be classic Jen in a blunt bob. Classic Jen. I like this. It should be an email sign off based on how I'm feeling. I should state that this day tried me. I woke up to a notification that I was overdrawn. Fuck my life. This month will be a month of poverty, as there are bills, and expenses, and more bills. 

Oh, and that new job in that new place far from here? It would be less money. This is a huge hindrance to me just saying 'fuck everything' and running off at the first opportunity. 

More to think about, I guess. And the lack of dudes is making me reconsider Tinder once more. Maybe it should be deleted and I should join Reddit or some shit. See how that works out for me.

Thoughts to be thought!

Mahalo! 

Classic Jen

Monday, February 28th

You could have it all, all being subjective, of course. 

I started talking to this tragedy last week. His name is Mike. We got to the point of exchanging numbers when I asked him how he voted in the last election. When it comes to central valley dating, this question has gotten me away from some real pieces of shit. FYI, if you voted for that megalomaniac of an idiot, you are a real piece of something, alright. 

Anyway, he looked like the last tragedy I fucked more than twice, and he was big on the idea of going out on a date Friday or Saturday night. Okay, its bitchy of me but that last part is really stupid. If you want to date someone, you can go on a date any day of the week, regardless of time, period. Please don't let some conceived notion keep you from getting to know another person better. So other than this oddity, when asked about it he said he didn't vote because the candidates he wanted to win dropped out. Wow. What a position from a place of white male privilege! Later on he claimed he wanted to vote for Andrew Yang or Bernie Sanders, which, I mean, Bernie all the way. Something about how he wrote this out seemed like such a lie. Like he wanted to share his right-winged-ness but then read the room and looked up left leaning candidates and name dropped to save face. It just felt so disingenuous, and I was high, so I thanked him for his time, unmatched him on Tinder, and blocked his number. Babes, if it doesn't feel right over text, it's not getting better in real life. Walk away.

I know that I am lonely, but talking to assholes from Tinder isn't helping this situation. At best, it makes me want to become more of a turtle.

That's it for today, folks! Until next time, you stay classy San Diego!

Sunday, February 27th

Okay, but who would want to date me? Well, apparently this dude named Mike. Mike, I'm gonna be honest right now and say I don't think we have anything in common. I feel like I have to drag conversation out of you and I do not need to be working this hard. Should we meet up for anything, I can only hope I'm getting a free drink out of it and fodder for this blog. I'm tired of writing about all the depressing sex I've had. 

I should also mention that today I found a LEGO I lost Friday night. I was high as fuck. So I finished London. Which means that I finally got a display cabinet for them and I am so pleased with the results. I am a dork for LEGOs and I have no shame. And I wonder why I'm still single. Lol. No, I know why I'm still single. I haven't found a person I'm willing to commit to. And, once again, I don't think Mike is this person. 

Do I have anything to share? RIP Ash. Baby, you were too young. #SaveFezco!!! I cannot with Euphoria right now. Maddy beating Cassie is a balm to my soul. 

I will share that I did have to reach out to my sister. I gotta stop doing that. It feels like I am always reaching out and bothering people and it's in my best interest to stop because at the end of the day, it's really just me. They don't have my back like I'd love for them to. We discussed something materialistic and that was it. That's always it. This just means that I definitely will not be going next month to LA. There's nothing that I'm missing out on. Just buy CLUE and mail that shit out. Anyway, I have my new Capital One card so I can't be screwed over that way. 

I wish I had something positive to write, but instead on ending on the bad, I'll end on three gratitudes.

• I am breathing
• I have gotten rid of some items
• I have the cats

:)

Niko, where it matters.

Saturday, February 26th

I slept all day. Well, in and out of sleep. This is my weekend. :)

Friday, February 25th

If I don't relate to love songs, how bad is this for me? Or if I super relate to them, but I've only had one ex-boyfriend, how bad is this for me?

I don't know if I'm good or fucked? I don't know if I've been a heartbreaker, or have been heartbroken? 

Why am I on this topic? I'm not sure. Lol. Not on purpose, I promise. I started talking to someone new and I have no romantic illusions about this 'future.' Pinky promise you won't shame but I used to do this every time I started talking to someone new. Eventually, it got to the point that I would only do this after we slept together, which on me meant usually that first meeting. I made some legit choices the last few years, eh?

Where am I going with this? Oh, I'm like legit high. Yeah, started smoking a lot more in 2020 because of like COVID-19 and self-isolation. Anyway, I think this is good, me not having these illusions/delusions. I'm not hopeful about whatever should happen. At the very least, it's always fun going to a bar, if it happens. If not, what's up sleep? Welcome to 2022. And also, this is a bummer to admit: I'm pretty sure I'm gonna die alone. I know I'm 31, and I'm trying not to do this (fucking depression), but this feels like what the rest of my life will be like. Not that this is bad, it's not. Handling my shit, and my cats ain't nothin' to complain about. But it feels like I'm gonna be lonely for a long time to come. So it's in my best interest to presume that me hanging out with new peoples will only result in stories for this blog. I swear there's a phrase I'm thinking of, but can't think of it, or rather don't know. 

At the very least, I can hope that I've learned to deal with heartbreak. I never could handle it well after being ghosted.

Until next time. 

Here's some Habits, because it's not about one heartbreak, but all of them. 

Thursday, February 24th

Late as fuck, but it is what it is. I heard on the job I applied for over the weekend. Things are moving forward. Still on the fence about all of it, but we're not gonna stress over it. :)

I started group therapy, again. This time it about healthy boundaries and I'm asking myself: do I have anger issues? This may be something I need to explore on my own.

I feel so unsure of everything. Not in an anxiety way, but more like "I don't know exactly what I want, but that's okay. I'm taking it one day at a time." I am looking to the future, but the aim is for things to be done, as opposed to how difficult will it be to do such things.

Even though this is a short post, so much is happening today. Because, also, you know, Ukraine. :(

Wednesday, February 23rd

Welcome back. I am writing this during my lunchtime as my ass has decided that going home and immediately passing out, waking up around midnight and being awake for hours, going back to sleep, and then waking up and being late to work is the theme of this week. Is it insomnia? Sure feels like it.

Do I have anything to write about? I don't think I do. My jealousy over other people dating has faded. Being back on Tinder has reminded me of the lack of quality of dudes out there. So I am perfectly fine just being me and being on my own. 

Yesterday, my dash/car was making these loud clicking sounds. I hope it's an easy fix. If not, well then I'm mildly fucked as it doesn't seem to affect how DeLiloh (my car) is running. 

Russia invaded Ukraine this morning, Thursday, February 24th. Such fucking bullshit. I'm nervous about this. Mostly because of the many, MANY people who don't want this, and those who have already died because of this. I'm also nervous as to how this is going to screw over the regular people, all across the globe. Inflation is already a massive pain here, I can only imagine how much worse it'll get; which, by the way, the price of many items does not need to go up. Stop prioritizing profits over people. I'm a socialist, and a pacifist, and this last week has been annoying beyond annoying. And now it's turned deadly because of the most stupidest of all reasons: a dictator which people continue to call 'president.'

I should have more thoughts on my life this afternoon, as I have another therapy class I've been signed up for. Healthy boundaries. Should, hopefully, add more to my life. Bound me from connecting to toxic people.

But before I go, I should note still no 'communication' from back 'home.' And a question: am I supposed to feel worse after therapy, or should I try and get another therapist?

Tuesday, February 22nd

Sometimes this all feels like a dream. Sometimes this all feels like I'm already dead. But who am I to say what's what? Getting tattoos is the only time my body feels alive. Take that, sex!

Today I learned that I am not missing out on dating. Good. I was starting to worry for a moment there.

Today I also learned that this place I work at is a ticking time bomb. The chaos and exits are getting more and more frequent. As someone who has felt personally victimized by said place, it's amazing to see. 

Why am I here again? Not on this blog, but here, in this place? I don't know if I have said it here before, but I am wasted here. 

I am scheduled to appear in Los Angeles in a few weeks for someone's birthday. Now, this person, from what I've experienced, could care less about me. Kinda rude, but it is what it is. Knowing this, or rather coming to this conclusion, do I really want to make this journey? Driving for hours to put up with temper tantrums and bullshit? Making my cats suffer to appease this person? I do not feel like going through all this trouble. I do not feel like making my body go through another road trip for people who do not make effort for me. I do not feel like making my cats uncomfortable, and, in essence, suffer, because people want to see them. Umm, fuck that. My cats do not deserve that, and I am tired for making them miserable, yet again, for a journey that definitely will require each of us to do more than we're getting in return.

I still have weeks to decide, but I don't want to bother. Until then, preparations must be made for my non-arrival. 

Until then, here's some Talking Heads.