When it came to a certain guy, one who shall not be named, I saw that he had been living one hell of a life. Relationships, trips, a bachelor party, he had done so much since I last saw him. It made me feel a few things, but the most important to this selfish bitch was that I felt like I had been a blip in his life. Like I wasn't anything worth noting in the biography of his life. While part of me is okay with this, the second part of me, the part of me that takes shit very personal, is saddened by this. I feel like a lot of the guys in my past could say that I was a blip. Have I not made any sort of impression? Do I not matter?
No, this post isn't about that. I feel like that is going to be another post. This post is about me mattering.
Back to the guy. He had been in at least one relationship since we last parted ways. They seemed happy. (Apart from a few pictures, I know jack shit about them so I would like to presume the best.) These were the pictures that got to me the most, the relationship pictures. I asked myself that question that some of us have asked before (and more than likely, we will ask in the future): why wasn't it me?
Why? I'm gonna go on a short pity party right now. Is there something about me that is so unfucking attractive? Something that makes guy who I am into look at me and say, "Yeah, no she's good for a secret one time fuck, but I wouldn't want to be seen with her... EVER"? Is there? As I just such a fucking horrible person that I deserve to never be in a good relationship? Is this what's to become of my life????
Okay. I've calmed down. Sort of.
I feel like a lot of us ask ourselves this question. That I know of, girls ask themselves this more than guys do. Actually, I have never known of a guy to ask himself this. (Anyone want to share?) I now officially have to ask: do guys think this way? Do guys wonder why it wasn't them? Do you...guy(s) who read this blog? I am now genuinely curious and would like an answer.
I know I'm over-asking this question now, a lot, but thinking about it, something about this question bothers me. Well, a few things. First and foremost, it makes it seem as though I have lived no life. I would like to officially state that I have lived a simple life, and I'm not here to impress or entertain anyone. That is what my writing is for. Second, and maybe even more important, it implies that there is something seriously wrong with me and me only. Okay, no. Yes, I am a flawed individual, but I refuse to believe that I am the only person out there with my things. In fact, I believe that there are no people out there that don't have something about them. Yeah, this "why wasn't it me?" has a few things wrong with it. We need to change up the question.
The question we should be asking is: what was it about them that didn't work with me? I like this question so much better. It assumes that people aren't meeting your standards, which you're allowed to have, and doesn't imply that there is some flaw with any party involved. This question doesn't exactly put blame on any person, which I believe is something that we need. Yes, I understand that the moment in which heartbreak happens, and for some time afterward, there is blame and anger. But I also believe that after some time, a lot of us realize that those heartbreaks are simple mistakes that come with being. After a while, you stop hating the person because you realize they're not worth the hate.
I'd like to take this moment to change the question. What has it been about these guys that hasn't worked with me? Just off the top of my head: condescension, immaturity, douchey-ness, and the fact that they still act like children. Wow. Really? Yes. Oh, and general fuckboy behavior. These are just a few things that I saw across the board. I let a lot of these things slide over and over again because hey, there's this okay looking guy who's maybe kinda sorta into you, and he has these sorta douchey jokes, but oh, he texts you! Yay!
Am I the only one who felt bad or sad or whatever reading that? It wasn't a good feeling; can we all agree on that?
Rewording this question has led me to ask myself: why did I go there with these guys? And that right there is the most important thing you'll get from this post. You live your life. You have ups and down, but they are your ups and down. Asking yourself why you weren't it for someone else is never the question you should be asking. By asking yourself that, you're basically disregarding you existence on this planet; your hopes, and dreams, and goals; any life you have lead, and any life you plan to lead. No. Don't you want to live your life? I know I do. And this is why we should stop asking "why wasn't it me".
The question we should be asking is: what was it about them that didn't work with me? I like this question so much better. It assumes that people aren't meeting your standards, which you're allowed to have, and doesn't imply that there is some flaw with any party involved. This question doesn't exactly put blame on any person, which I believe is something that we need. Yes, I understand that the moment in which heartbreak happens, and for some time afterward, there is blame and anger. But I also believe that after some time, a lot of us realize that those heartbreaks are simple mistakes that come with being. After a while, you stop hating the person because you realize they're not worth the hate.
I'd like to take this moment to change the question. What has it been about these guys that hasn't worked with me? Just off the top of my head: condescension, immaturity, douchey-ness, and the fact that they still act like children. Wow. Really? Yes. Oh, and general fuckboy behavior. These are just a few things that I saw across the board. I let a lot of these things slide over and over again because hey, there's this okay looking guy who's maybe kinda sorta into you, and he has these sorta douchey jokes, but oh, he texts you! Yay!
Am I the only one who felt bad or sad or whatever reading that? It wasn't a good feeling; can we all agree on that?
Rewording this question has led me to ask myself: why did I go there with these guys? And that right there is the most important thing you'll get from this post. You live your life. You have ups and down, but they are your ups and down. Asking yourself why you weren't it for someone else is never the question you should be asking. By asking yourself that, you're basically disregarding you existence on this planet; your hopes, and dreams, and goals; any life you have lead, and any life you plan to lead. No. Don't you want to live your life? I know I do. And this is why we should stop asking "why wasn't it me".
I hope you keep in mind what I have said. I try to practice what I preach, but know that I am a human, and will on occasion (hopefully not many, though!) continue ask myself why it wasn't me. I will probably rack my brain with this for hours, or maybe days until I get to the answer that I always get to. Every. Single. Time. Wanna hear it? It just wasn't meant to be. I know, so simple, yet we constantly disregard it. If something is meant to be, then it will be; if it isn't, then it won't. I believe that the fates, the universe, whatever you want to call it, has something of a plan for each of us. Some things will happen, and others won't. Bully if it won't, but fuck that. It's okay. Move on. You can either keep going back to something, and keep asking that question (I judge not because I have done this), or you can look forward, and know that it just wasn't meant to be. Because...
(Hey, aren't you starting to miss Don't Trust the B- in Apt 23 yet?)
Until next time, lovelies!
I couldn't help myself. A quintessential 80s song to give you hope: Doot Doot by Freur