My first relationship was an array of emotions. Some good, many more bad. I lied to myself...a lot. That I was more attracted to my ex than I actually was. That I was happy. That things would get better. Note: none of those things changed.
I was never 100% on my ex. The first lesson I've learned is that you should either be 100% or not. If you are, great, go for it, otherwise, save yourself the time. There's a great, great, great chance that those feelings won't change.
If you are not happy, then you are not happy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you if you're unhappy. That happens to a lot of us. It could be an array of things causing said unhappiness, but that's for you to figure out. (It might be depression, which also happens to a lot of us. And you won't know until you know.) I was happy, until I wasn't. And it wasn't with my life in general. Life was whatever. I hated my job, but then again, when didn't I? My living situation was, is actually, shit, but I could care less. Home was really just a place to sleep and to store my shit. The only thing that was different was I was in a relationship. I wasn't 100% on it (see above) but I thought 'if I stick with it and try harder, maybe it'll improve' (also, see above). It didn't.
There was just so much wrong with this situation. I think at one point I actually did take the time to write down every single thing, but right now, I don't give a shit. I'll just list the major ones.
1) The online stalking. I met this guy via OkCupid. That's just how I roll. On there, I don't disclose my name. Frankly, unless I want you to know my name, it's none of your business. Anyway, at one point, I had a link on my profile to my tumblr (my pride and joy; sorry, blogo). On our second date he disclosed the fact that through going through an array of social media accounts, he was able to find me on Facebook. Note: I did not make it easy for anyone. He told me he did it after out first date. I don't believe this...AT ALL. Over a year later, and something is just telling me that this is a lie.
(I'm sorry I had to.)
At that moment, when he told me, I felt truly violated. Never in my life have I felt like I did then. You just feel so uncomfortable you almost want to shed your skin. That level of discomfort, it's almost tangible. I didn't say anything major then, and we moved past it because, hey, there was this guy who was into me, and I was tired of being alone. I wish I hadn't done that. I wish I had just stopped everything then.
I do know that for some time after he broke up with me that he was following my tumblr, and possibly this blog. For the tumblr, I'm guessing it was on a daily basis. I can only hope that with this post, that tragic and disturbing behavior has stopped. It's been over 6 months, you've got to stop.
2) The lack of disclosure about his relationship past, even after knowing all of mine. I'm a firm believer in tit-for-tat. You show me yours and I'll show you mine. Imagine the level of BS I had to put up with in order for my ex to disclose his past to me. Since he knew mine straight off the bat, I asked him his. He said nothing. I believe I brought it up a second time, and nothing. It wouldn't be until right before we broke up that he finally told me. It would be past half a year later. Half a fucking year. Wow. What he told me wasn't pretty, which honestly, I get why you don't wanna share anything that makes you seem like a dick, but my blog posts make me seem like the bitch that I am. It's either fair for everyone, or fair for no one.
3) Pushing me to go on birth control so he could go bareback. I haven't openly shared this. That I can think of, I've only told this to two exceptionally close friends. So back in January, I started having trouble peeing. Peeing felt so weird. I wouldn't describe it as burning, but every time I would pee, it felt like my vagina would want to fall out. That's the best way I can describe it. Sorry for the horrible imagery. Anyway, I decided to go to Planned Parenthood. (#I stand with PP) Before this, we had discussed me going on birth control. I didn't want kids, but I was wary of going on birth control. I had had a few cousins who had cysts and was scared of messing with my vagina. (Honestly, a lot of my fears stem from irrational ideas.) But my need to not be pregnant went past that, so it was go to PP, get checked, and ask about birth control. Two birds, one stone. So I go to get checked out. Like full on STD (STI?) screening because it could have been either of those. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention, he'd never been tested before? Yes, I was freaking the fuck out because my brand new boyfriend, first one I'd ever had, the one who thinks of himself as oh-so-intelligent, had never had a STD check before. LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK???? I was livid at the time that this happened. And just so you know, the worst part wasn't getting tested, no it was the conversation we (he and I) had to have afterwards. I forgot to ask about birth control, I was still freaking out that it could have been something serious (a la HIV), so afterwards, when we're at his place, he asks me if I asked about birth control. Somewhere in my sobbing, and I remember this clearly, I ask him something along the lines of, "When was I supposed to do that? Was that before of after they asked me if you'd ever been penetrated because of anal sex?" Throwback to me not knowing about his relationship past.
I went back to PP to get a pap smear, and also for the birth control. My logic was, I'm on something, he uses condoms. If I'm fucked, it's on both of us. I don't know when exactly it started, or how many times it would happen, but more than one time, he would go bareback on me. I want to say that this was without my consent, because I was consenting to sex, but I was not consenting to sex without a condom. I do remember one time him asking me if I wanted to. Sex, yes, of course. He didn't mention anything about a condom so as far as I was concerned, it was with one. I wouldn't know until afterwards that we had just had sex without a condom. And more than once he would joke that he made a mess in my vagina. LIKE FUCK YOU. NO ONE, BESIDES ME, GETS TO MAKE A JOKE LIKE THAT, ASSHOLE. Okay, I did not put myself on birth control so I could deal with not only the depression, the weight gain, and the bone thinning, so he could fucking go bareback whenever the fuck he felt like it and pull some asshole joke afterward. Fuck no.
We would talk about this toward the end of the relationship. He mentioned that he knew that I was uncomfortable with the idea of bareback. What I cannot understand is if I seem uncomfortable with it, why continue to do it? Like where does your common decency end for you to be able to have bareback sex with someone who is clearly uncomfortable with the idea? Of all the shit I let him get away with, this is the one that will never stop bothering me.
4) Stating that without sex there would be no relationship. For me, this excuse of a relationship ended about 3 weeks before June 14th. We had a fight and were emailing back and forth because I didn't want to see him. He was going on vacation and for me it was a welcome break from whatever was going on. At the time, I had started to think I was asexual. I just wasn't that into sex anymore. I figured it was me. It didn't come into my mind that I just didn't want to have sex with him anymore. Somewhere in those emails (which I deleted a long time ago) he said that if there was no sex, there would be no relationship. This had me sobbing. Four months into my first relationship and my boyfriend states that unless I'm willing to put out, there is no us. For someone who suspected that the first guy to have sex with her did it just because she was a "virgin", knowing this, it broke me. I started sobbing uncontrollably. For me, that was when my relationship was over. Mentally speaking, I didn't have a relationship. I had one of those marriages in which the couple is going through divorce.
5) Breaking up with me via email, like a weenie. As I write this, June 14th holds something of a bittersweet memory. I was free of my own personal hell, relationship wise, but I had just been dumped, via email, which you can see here. Weenie move, isn't it? I can't wait for that date to be absolutely meaningless to me.
I believe I've promised on this blog, or maybe it was my tumblr, to never write about this again. And I wouldn't have, but earlier this week, I was having a talk with a good friend, who I shall refer to as L. We were talking, wait! There's a chance this may have happened last week. Whatever. Anyway, L and I were talking about red flags and about being 100% on a guy, and then I let this all out. It had been a while since I actually thought about this. Seeing it all at once, and knowing what I know now, I would have spread this like wildfire back when I had just been dumped. I just decided to let this all out today because why the hell not. Getting this all out there, I really feel better.
To anyone reading this: be 100% on the person, otherwise you're wasting your time. And if you're ever uncomfortable about something, say something. If the person isn't willing to work with you and your boundaries, well they ain't worth shit. Do yourself a favor and walk away. You won't regret it.
Until next time, kiddies.
because y'all have been good to me.
Everything's Coming Up Roses by Night Terrors of 1927