Can I just state that this hasn't been a good year for me and my peeps? Boys have been disappointing month after month, friends have been let down again and again. It feels like this was the year of the breakup; or maybe it's the first time I've actually paid attention to the lives of others. (Bless you tumblr.) But this hasn't been a good year, romance wise, relationship wise, or even, love wise.
Despite this, and I don't know if you believe it, but I still believe in love. I, the cynical soul mate to some, crusader of talking shit about boys to all, still believe in finding the one and my happily ever after. For the record, I have always believed in love and the ultimate happy ending. It's just that after so many years of experiencing so much bullshit from boys, and witnessing so much of it this year, I have become so jaded to the point of just giving up forever.
I don't know why it hasn't happened yet. Why is that, brain of mine, that I haven't given up on love? Why? Is it because I've never experienced love and I would like to do so, at least once? May-be, says my brain. May-be.
But, why, brain? Why, if I know how bad it can all be, bow horribly it can end, do I keep punishing myself. Well, dear sweet human, you are a masochist. You are aware that that Pepsi you just drank may give you cancer, but fuck it, you enjoyed it, didn't ya, girl?
I did.
Yes, in search of love there is heartache. There may be encounters with those that may take any and all emotions you feel for them and use them against you and then leave you, basically, dead on the side of the road. Sounds horrible, right? That's life for ya, kids.
Love is a gamble. Searching for love is a huge gamble. It's you taking your heart out of you body for someone to possibly hurt, or worse. (My god, the imagery of this post is astonishing.) But that's just one side of the story. There's also the chance that it may work out.
There's the hope that this person may be special and amazing and that they may fall in love with you as you with them. There's a chance that they may be the person who does nothing but add to your happiness. The one who helps the world spin 'round. The person who you know won't ever be replaced. They become the person that you see a future with, and the person you can't see a present without. There's the hope that you meet the person who does nothing but understand you. They are your soul mate; the pepperoni to your cheese pizza. They and you...it just makes sense.
I don't know how the rest of you feel all this. I may just be the last sucker in LA. And if I am, then so be it! Know that I still write about love because despite knowing how bad it can truly be, I still want it. I am still willing to take a chance and go for it. I know that I have experienced true heartache, like a whole lot of us, but that isn't anything that's going to hold me back on my search for that someone special. I know it's completely moronic of me to do so, but that's just me: continue hoping, and searching, for that happy ending. And I'll keep writing about it because for a lot of people, including myself, that's the end goal.
For those of you who are as cynical and jaded as I am, know that I am there with you, but if you don't feel like giving up, then don't. I'm gonna be hella honest and say that I feel like it's gonna be a long ride, but in the end, it'll be worth it, so please don't give up. Stay with me on this ride. Let's commiserate together.
Until next time, kiddies!
because this song just makes so much sense...
and Bishop Allen is amazing.