Afternoon delight??

Hello friends!

Another day, another boy. Amirite?

Okay so after months of a non self-imposed dry spell, I finally got something this week; Wednesday, to be specific. I know, I know. I can't believe it took this long but also I can? And y'all have been so good to me so y'all deserve a good story. And you'll get one.

So where do I start??? It's been so long since I've written anything, or done anything, that I kinda forgot where to start but stay with me.

I guess like all decent stories, it starts with the boy.

And boy was he a boy. Just a boy.

We met on OkCupid. (Some things may change, but how yo girl works hasn't.) It started with a harmless message from him, only to be given a douchey message when I sent a response. And this guy, he's like douchey hot. (I feel like I should add pics, but I haven't decided on that yet.) A few messages later, some "baby"s and "princess" were thrown in there. This should have been a warning to me, but I ignore the signs. I ask myself sometimes why I hate on myself like this but this might require years of therapy to figure out.

So there we were for like a day or two, just sending a shit ton of messages. And then they got dirty. Winky emoticon and beyond dirty. I will admit that I contributed. I'm bad and I know it.

Some filthy messaging via the OkCupid app later, he started, heavily I might add, hinting at us meeting. Since it had (has?) been a while for me, I was open to the idea. We kept up the messaging and I said yes to us meeting. Before that point, he had gone on and on about his penis, and how he was, and don't quote me on this, "going to wreck my [vagina]". I am rolling my eyes now and you should be too.

I would like to take this time to emphasize how fucking hard it was to finalize anything with this asshole. Yeah, sure, we're gonna meet up but unless we have a place and time, it obviously isn't going to happen, douchebag. This literally took hours. I was so over this guy before we even met up. But once plans were set, meaning a time and place, I started to lag it and then got my ass on the road.

It took me over half a fucking hour to get there. This was not a nearby drive. This was over 20 miles and not even worth it.

I get to the place, it's a park btw, and I park. Windows rolled down, I'm sweating my ass off, and waiting for this douchebag. Somewhere in my mind the notion of the fact that I'm being jerked around comes to mind. He hasn't asked to exchange numbers, just exchange dirty pics. We aren't meeting at his place. I know nothing about him, not even his name. Yep, right then and there it hits me that I may be being jerked around.

That's when I ask him why not his place. He has no place of his own. He's living with his parents, which I won't judge because that was me. But the fact that he later emphasized that he didn't have to pay jack shit, this coming from someone who's a college graduate with what appears to have a solid job in marketing...okay...dude, you're sounding like a cheap ass bastard. But this is just a whole other thing. We should really get back to the story.

I didn't notice until someone told me, but his license plate is his username.

So anyways, whatever. Moving on. He says he's single so I'm just gonna go with that. When he finally finds a place, he messages me: a gated community in which his uncle lives. I think, "Welp, I guess this is happening" and then I'm off. It takes me some time to find him, because he fucking sucks at giving directions. But when I do, there he is, chilling under a tree with his seat leaning back. I walk my ass around in order to get a pic of his license plate because safety first, and then get into his car. The first I notice in his car is that there is something of a weird smell going on. A hint of weed and something else. And him. He's acting a bit weird. He asks me if I took a pic of his license plate. I don't deny. He asks why. I say that in case I get murdered, the cops need to know where to start. I don't say that they probably need to start with him. He laughs this off. This odd, somewhat simpleton laugh of his is something that will get on my nerves later on. He asks me to delete it. I say that I will. And because I lie, there is the pic.
He then proceeds to smoke some more weed in front of me. Mind you, his car is off and the windows are rolled down, just not all the way. We are, in essence, sweating our asses off this asshole-made hotbox of his. Dude, I was forced to hotbox. FML. As someone who is still looking for a job this is the worst fucking thing that could happen to me.

After that we just kinda start, in the front seat. Some questionable kissing and grabbing happens before he decides to move this to the backseat. He climbs over the seats, and then, with something of a huge asshole tone, proceeds to tell me how to move the front seats. I drove over half a hour to move this asshole's seats, because, you know, the kissing was somewhat shitty. So far the most impressive this has been that I've moved his seats.

He wore that red shirt. Lazy.

I finish moving the seats and move myself to the back, the adult way. Once in the back seat, we continue with some EXCEPTIONALLY questionable kissing, which is followed by some über wrong fondling. Rough fingering a la Weekend Warrior. No, wait. That fucker at least had more chill. This one is being rough just to be an asshole like he has no fucking idea what to do down there. He tells me that I should take off my shorts and undies so he has easier access to my goodies, and my bra, too, so he can just go for it whenever. I go with this because a) I'm a team player, and b) I drove over 30 minutes for this. I am determined to see this through. He follows by lowering his pants and boxers as well so he can have access to his dick. Okay, whatever. This is just me going with the flow. The kissing continues, this time tho, it's being followed with me being asked to play with his dick. Whatever. I can do a hang jibber. I've done them before. He then moves us to switch sides to he can be more comfortable and I can work on his dick while he works on me and we kiss. We switch sides and then he tells me that I should be on my knees so that if any cars pass by, it'll look like he's just chilling in his car. In case you misunderstood, he wants me on my knees so I can use my mouth on his penis, something which I mentioned I didn't do on the first "date". But it is somewhat hypocritical of me, especially since I already have. TPG. Did I ever mention TPG? If I haven't then one of these days he'll get his own blog post. Moving on!

Once again, if anything, I'm a team player, so I go along. I do some mouth action in order to shut him up because did I mention his voice? I described it to a dear friend as a voice that just got on my nerves. It has something of a southern lilt, and a bit of hood-talk, probably because of his WEEKS spent in Inglewood. For the record, this guy is whiter than white out, as a genius friend of mine has said. Whatever, I go along with it just to shut him the fuck up. While I'm working my "magic" he asks me if he can stick it my ass. Insert rolling eyes emoji. Seriously, I'm just so over it. I won't say what my response is, because, and this holds true no matter the situation, but I am entitled to some privacy. But for some reason it worked for him? I don't get this smoron. But I keep going, because there is a task to be done.

I take a break because, fuck, I've earned this break. He asks if we can fuck. I ask him if he has a condom. He says "yeah" but then asks me when my period is. I lie, because if I do my job right, I won't be getting one of those anytime soon, and say next week. He says that I should be good. I will take this time to say that you should not listen to this fucker as he knows nothing about menstruation. He doesn't go through that, and he didn't go to college for that, so he doesn't know jack shit about that. I tell him, "No glove, no love." Which leads him to tell me to finish him so we can figure out what to do from there. I just want this hot ass day to be over. Seriously, the heat up here has been ridiculous. And there I go again. But at this point, he asks me to lick his balls. Ummmmmm.....what? Do I do this? Do I not? I won't say what happened. If you do want to know, you're welcome to shoot me a message. I may or may not respond. From here we followed this up with him shoving my head down his crotch. You weak ass bitch. And not just once, but a few times. I was kinda chocking there!! Fucker!

Whatever. Just keep going. And then he finishes. I feel nothing because I just don't, and he's sitting there for like a minute or two, just looking super dazed. I don't know if this is because I did a good job, or because of all the weed he's smoked, but he does say something along the lines of "that was so good". Yay me? He redresses himself and I do the same. My ass has been exposed in his car long enough.

And we then start the small talk. It's 20 minutes me going "Uh-huh" and "Yup" and "Yeah" with a lot of him going on and on about how he's gonna be a millionaire next year (like Drake and Future; because he "started from the bottom"), and how he's gonna be an electrical engineer (because according to him you don't need a degree for that), and how he's a boss (??????), and how he has shit figured out (riiiiiiiiiiiiiight), and how the south sucks (he went to college there), and how some chick once bit his dick (because he was probably shoved her head down his dick). Yada, yada, yada. He then asks me like one or two questions about LA and then goes on about his time in LA and how he stayed in the hood. Assholes like him are the reason why I hate LA. White boy! You're white and you know NOTHING about LA. NOTHING. Remember how I said that he was just a boy? This is why.

He then proceeds to get high once again in order to get horny so we can presumably fuck. I couldn't make this up even if I tried. My imagination is not this good. I sit there and once again suffer as I am forced to hotbox with this piece of shit. Right after he finishes getting high, a SUV passes us. This moron decides to duck in between my legs, the most obvious move ever, and the lady driving stares. How could she not? He literally just dove in between my legs. She passes and he stays in there, asking me if she stared. I tell him she did, and he starts freaking out. Seriously. He hauls his ass to the front and starts going on and on about he can't get busted for this. I am feeling the weed so I'm just a bit disoriented. He then tells me that he already did his probation for being busted. It was something about his friend and Adderall and it was why he couldn't return to California sooner. Umm, okay then. I tell him to drive me to my car because clearly I am not going to get mine. This has been such a waste of time. All these promises that the ball licker made and nothing. NOTHING AT ALL!!

We get to my car and I get out of the backseat, get my shit from the front, and then say bye and walk myself to my car without a care in the world. I get in and just ignore the outside world. I just wanna get the hell out of there. I look up to my side and see that he has pulled up next to me. He starts to open his mouth, but I can't hear anything, so I have to roll down my window. Let's see what this asshole wants. He asks me when I have my place to myself. I really don't. I live with my cousin and her husband and there is no set schedule as to when I have the place to myself. I tell him this and say that whenever I do, it's really short notice, but that I would notify him, if he wanted. He then starts with he's always busy with "work" (getting high?) so he can't just do things at a moments notice. (I'm sorry if you don't know me like that, but this is how I roll. It just is.) Anyway, in order to get him out of my sight, I tell him that he's always welcome to come down, as this small town has many places in which people can do stuff. And with that, I get him to finally say bye and drive away.

Before you start thinking this is finally over, well, it isn't.

The glasses. Oh, and I saw the hat, too!!

I speed my ass to the gate after giving him something of a head start because I want to get the fuck out of here. This place is making me feel wrong and the heat is still beyond ridiculous. Once I get to the gate of this gated community, I notice that my ass is right behind the ball licker. FML. Seriously, fml. I start praying that he's turning the other way, ANY other way, so I'm not stuck behind him. Nope. The world dislikes me enough to make me suffer. Once we get to next major street, the one at which I'm making a turn at, I see that he is about one, or maybe two lanes over. I think, "Okay, you just have to wait for the light to turn and then you're free. Just don't look over." So I distract myself with sending a text. Something about him being a huge disappointment. After that, and I really can't explain myself here, but I look over. Lo and behold, he is looking at me. He has moved his sunglasses, the ones that were worn by him during this entire experience (I kid you not!!), up so that he is squinting at me, and waving at me. I am no fiction writer. This seriously happened. And for the life of me I cannot interpret this. I wave back, turn to face the light, and as soon as that shit turns, I haul ass out of there. I am gone beyond gone.

As I start my way back home, I feel a bit disoriented because of the secondhand weed and what has happened begins to settle in. I am not mad at those who encouraged me to do something stupid. No, I own my mistakes. I'm not even angry that I drove over half an hour to give a guy a blowjob. No, that's a good story right there. I love good stories. No, I'm mad at how this fucking piece of shit went on and on about what a fucking boss he has and how I was going to be taken care of and in the end I got, and this is what my dear, dear, dear friend L described as a "wimpy fingering and a secondhand high". She is not wrong. Like not at all. Whatever. You live, you learn. And, right past the halfway point between hell and home is when I realize that I didn't get his name before, during, or after this excursion. Crap. I'm gonna have to message him. Personal records and self-respect require me to at least know his first name. At least that. So I do. I text and drive and you shouldn't. His name is *******. He, too, is entitled to some privacy. And for some unknown reason, he asks me mine. I tell him because I just don't care anymore. Also, there is a high chance I'll never see him again. And then he sends me this precious gem.

I couldn't make this up if I tried.

I don't respond because I don't want him to think I'm more into him than what I really am. I mean, he is conventionally attractive, but being around him has made me lose some brain cells. And he does use "lolz". Not ironically either. But I do decide that if the opportunity were to arise again, I wouldn't mind it, as long as he came down to my hood, so I respond. It's been over a day and I know for sure I won't be hearing from him ever again.

I seriously know this story was worth it, tho. I can only hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy sharing it.

Until next time.

Oh, I know you didn't get to vote on this, but his nickname is Ball Licker. It just makes so much sense.



There is an alternate title to this. It's so inappropriate, that I won't dare post this on social media. Friends, you're welcome to message me to see what it is because I seriously can't post this on here. I will say that there is a Scary Movie reference up in there.

Because he like's Drake and Future: