"This is my life. This sucks." - Quinn King (Best. Quote. Ever.)
I never know what to write in these posts. Every year I try to make some sort of formal announcement that I've turned another year older, in case you didn't know. I like to stay relevant like that. But until the day of, I kinda have absolutely no idea what to write about. Like even with this post, which I am officially starting off on Monday, July 11, 2016 at 3:36pm, I don't know what to say. How about starting off where I am? Sounds like a solid idea here.
I left LA this year. It felt like a rash decision, and it still does, but it also felt like the right one. I felt like my time in the concrete jungle that is known as LA was over, and at this point and time, I still feel this way. That city may run through my blood and be in my bones, but as in birth, it not only birthed me, it spit me out into this harsh world. So there's that.
I moved to the boonies. I could spend some time here, but I feel like no matter what, this place will always be the other place; this won't be home.
I hooked up with some questionable characters, and got me a new tattoo, and a piercing as well, and I've found a job that I like some days, and seriously question others.
I feel like I'm still at that point in my life where I'm questioning things, as I should be. I have some stuff figured out, but I know, I just know, that I'm far from figuring my shit out.
I have me a well paying job and now I need to find me a place to live in because, long story short, but yeah...things ain't going well there. But that's okay, it feels like it's time for me to live on my own.
So...what does one write on such an occasion?
To start off, had you said at the time of my 25th year that this would be my life at 26, I would not have you believed you. Like at all. I might have laughed. When I was 25 I thought that shit was set. Boy was I wrong. But then again, I'm not one of those people who actually plans her future. That's not me anymore, sir. I'm just here to fly.
What I want for this year is really what I've wanted my entire life: to figure myself out. Is that too much to ask? If you're me, then yes. Well, fuck that. I will state that there are many aspects of my life that I need to figure out, and others that I'm becoming set on.
Take, for instance (and really because this is a prevalent thought in my mind), marriage and starting a family. "Some people just aren't the type for a marriage and family." I am one of those people. I honestly for the life of me picture myself going there. I have Facebook friends going there, marriage, kids, the whole 9 yards, and I'm literally like "Huh? But we're like the same age and I just want Cheetos." I cannot see myself getting married or having kids. The latter literally makes me clench my legs, because that is far from who I am.
When I was 17 I started to picture my future. I was living in Paris and generally being awesome. My future did not include a mate or kids. I was alone but happy because I was the independent bitch that I am. For the most part, I can say that something like that is what I want. But not Paris. More like San Francisco.
I will state that on the eve of turning 26 I can admit that I'm lonely. I am. I feel alone a lot of the time. I'm not going to blame this on my singlehood, but I can say that it's not helping. I don't know if I'll ever be one of those people ready to be in a relationship (because as we all know my last one was a big shit show) but I can say that I would like to connect with someone like that. Is that too much to ask for?
But on the positive side of things, here is something upbeat that I want for this year: more tattoos. I got me one on my arm and it has made so happy, especially because this guy basically gave me arm art. I just want to be covered in art.
I don't have much else to wish for, or want. A comforting home, something cute to cuddle with, great things to happen to those that have been awesome to me. Y'all have put up with me so you deserve something awesome to happen to you. And, I guess, this is it.
Happy 26th birthday Jen.
Until next time, kiddies!
Because this song feels like what 26 should feel like: