And since it's been over a year since I've written, this felt like the perfect time to come back.
Welcome back to This Might Be TMI, a blog where I overshare in 2022.
Apparently blogs are not a thing anymore. I am feeling nostalgic, and in need of something just for me, so here we are again. I'm glad I'm still paying for this domain. :)
Apart from my suicidal thoughts, there have been many things that have happened since the last time I took a moment to write out my thoughts and publish them immediately after, but for now we will focus on what I learned about myself yesterday.
My therapist told me I am a giving person. That I give so much there is nothing left for me.
This does not feel true to me.
I feel like a selfish sack of shit a lot of the time. I feel like I'm something of a waste of space and life, who is getting exactly what she does, and does not deserve. And occasionally, when the mood is just right, I feel like the world would be better off without me. But is this not true? Is the anxiety and (currently) deep depression I have lying to me? I don't know. I try to give as good as I get but lately it's felt like I get very little from those who claim to care about me. People don't reach out to me to ask me how I am as I do to them. I live alone, and my close ones will not attempt to go beyond the facade. Yes, I'm smiling and laughing but did you know the right below this, I am feeling that I give more than I get in return, which makes me feel even more alone??
Nope? Oh, that's okay.
See that up there? That last line? Bullshit.
Every time I say I'm okay, presume that I don't want to bother you with my depressing, downtrodden thoughts. That I'm trying my best not to take up precious time and space.
So is this a post where I just complain about everything and anything? No. But I really do need those thoughts out of my mind, and Inventing Anna is only helping so much. This is the post where I announce my pause on moving back "home". I realized yesterday, that at the end of the day, there's nothing really for me there. I truly have myself (who I undervalue), the cats, some material positions, and that's it. I don't have my health or my mental health, because at the end of the day me undervaluing myself has led me to neglect those things. I don't have any savings because I seek the rush of immediate fulfillment with spending money, as opposed to saving for a future. (Note: Internally, I still feel like I don't have a future. Asking me where I'll be in five years is a waste of time.) Adding this all together, and realizing that I don't care for this place where I have been living for...SIX years, I look to move, but not back "home".
I want the sea, and not to deal with traffic, and not to deal with all that bullshit right wing crap. (FYI, they're all morons.) I want peace and nature because I deserve peace and nature. Yes, yesterday through all the crying, I did realized that I deserve peace, not with the world but with myself. And moving back home will not provide this. Getting to deal with a selfish man who should've never had children and with someone who is putting work and materialism above everything else? Yeah, I don't need to solve other people's problems. I have my own to deal with.
So I look forward, to peace and nature, and moving somewhere new, because the scenery has to be just *kisses fingertips*. And I have started looking at a place. City wise, not housing. I think I've found somewhere. I'll need to go visit soon because I've never been there before. Always wanted to, but still haven't. I'm not sure why I'm like this, as I did go to Toronto on my own last year. See that? Doubting myself and what I can do. You just gotta have more faith in you, babe.
:)
You'll get a song, but before I do, I have to share that if I would commit suicide, I'd either slit my wrists or jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Go big, I guess.
Until next time....