Inside the Aquarium by BOAT, or, The 31 things you should say while breaking up with someone

Here is my list of the quintisential 31 things that need to be said during a break up:
Oh, and by the way, this was a total last minute thing. Enjoy :D

1) It's you, it's not me. It really is. What's up with that?
2) I hate your cooking. It all tastes like rice, except for the rice.
3) You pass so much gas in your sleep, I feel like I'm dying.
4) You're so expensive. What's wrong with the dollar menu from McDonalds?
5) What's up with your fear or cats??? You need therapy. (In this one, you can put any animal that fits.)
6) I hate having to clean all your hair from the shower drain, and everywhere else. I feel like Naomi Watts in The Ring.
7) I never had roaches before we we're dating, or before we moved in together. (Whichever fits your situation.)
8) I'm becoming an alcoholic and I think it's because of you.
9) Your taste in movies sucks. Dude, Where's My Car is just a godawful movie. How is it your favorite movie?
10) I can't stand to listen to anymore of your shitty music. Justin Beiber is the fucking worst and you need to stop that shit right now.
11) You pee weird. Not that I've seen it, but I feel like you do.
12) You're the worst driver ever. I mean, I've run over numerous dogs, cats and racoons, and that one time there was that old woman with the walker crossing the street which I almost hit, but you're still WAY worse than me.
13) You're giving me pattern baldness.
14) I can't believe you hate Barney. He is the best thing that ever happened to anyone.
15a) You make my dick shrivel up. - For guys
15b) You kill my blue tubes. - For girls.
16) You hate Cocoa Puffs, and that makes me hate you.
17) I think you're stealing stuff from me.
18) You're relatives gave me terrible birthday gifts.
19) I've seen how your mom/dad looks and I don't like where it's going.
20) Birds are scared of you and that freaks me out. By the way, what's up with that?
21) I hate your pet and it hates me. At least we're in agreement on that.
22) You don't know who the Pixies are and that just proves there's something wrong with you.
23) It looks like you have a 3rd nipple, and no, I'm not doing that.
24) Your obsession with Hello Kitty scares me. (This will work for both genders.)
25) I get the impression that you're stalking David Duchovny. Are you?
26) You remember that one time you gave me that look? Well, it made you seem like a real asshole and I've disliked you since then.
27) I feel like you go dumpster diving while I'm sleeping. Do you?
28) Why would you like/follow Starbucks? Can you say 'lame?' It would never be as awesome as liking/following Hollister.
29) I think a threesome sounds like a great idea and the fact that you don't wanna do it makes me think you're not cool enough to be around me.
30) I've been meaning to do this for a while but I liked not having to pay for certain meals.
31) You've gained so much weight since we started dating. You're starling to look like a whale. I know 1/2 a pound is just 1/2 a pound, but still..
32) You don't love me enough. You've never given me any indication of it, but I can totally feel it.
33) You're a 6. And, yeah, sure, I was once into 6's, but now I feel like I can do better, like 7s.
34) You judge me on the fact that I wear sunglasses at night, especially at clubs. Why?
35) You don't understand yolo like I do. We're totally headed in different directions.
36) I can't believe you said you hated my spoon tattoo. You just don't get it. Like you never got me!
37) You're not good enough to be around me.

Frankly, I really don't know what to say in a break up. I have never been the dumper or the dumped (thank goodness!), but I do think that as a human being, you should treat others as you'd wanna be treated. Above everything else, just don't be an asshole, mmk?

Oh, and BTW, this list was a joke.
You really shouldn't be taking me seriously.
No, like really.
You'd be a real douche to say any of this to anyone during a break up.

Until next time, kitties :)

because the world is so much better with non-hipster indie rock.

maybe it's slightly hipster. just like a teeny bit...

All of Me by Tanlines or Guys, You are NOT the Center of Our Worlds

Hello fellow hot dogs!

Over the last couple of days, or rather weeks, a very close friend of mine has gone on a texting bender with some guy who chooses to call himself "Ernie." M, my close friend, has known Ernie for the longest time. Yes, they have been acquaintances, and friends, and nothing else, but now things seem like they're changing. I think they're going to a more sexually charged place, but I may, as I often am, be wrong.

This is even going on to this minute. As I am writing this, there are sexually charged text messages being sent between the two. In fact, just a couple of minutes ago, he sent her a picture which included his... forestry? Yes, his forestry.

I can't say what exactly is going on in both minds because my ass is not a fucking mind reader. So there. I can say that I know that M is interested in going somewhere, or maybe she was, I can't tell anymore. (Hey, M, are you?) Does Ernie feel like this? M got the feeling a few night ago that he was texting her because he was bored at work. Sometimes he texts in a flirty manner. Others, it's in a strictly platonic one. It's like he's bipolar and we need to guess his mood. An interesting game, but ultimately frustating.

Will he ever grow the fuck up to let his true intentions be shown? Probably not. Will we continue this hot and cold came for a long time without anything ever materializing? I hate to say this M, but this seems so plausible. I'm sorry. I have the feeling that this will continue for the longest time because you're available to him and his bullshit. (All guys have bullshit.)

I just don't get it. Do guys fuck around with girls like this for fun? Does it help you get off?

Bastards.

I'm sure it helps your self-esteem knowing that somewhere out there is a girl who thinks you're flirting with her thru text. Someone who you have manipulated into thinking that things could go somewhere, but in reality aren't. Someone who thinks that you are the best thing ever. Someone who thinks that you're funny and cute; clever and sweet; and so many other things.

I love it that there is no one specific guy I am talking about. This is about the majority of you mother fuckers.

Guys, I'ma tell you right now: this is SO not the case.

And ladies, you should know: there are plenty of fish in the sea; it might not seem like it, but there are  :)

As of recently, I am a firm believer of this.

Yes, I have always believed this. In fact, when I was younger, I use to have a shirt that said this. It had colorful fishes on it and everything. I loved that shirt.

Back to where I was, plenty of fish in the sea; yes, yes there are. I can't, or rather shouldn't, say much about who reminded me of this, but I can say that he has passed his twenties and that he is completely adorkable. Just thinking about him makes me smile. He gives me home for all the men in my future :)

Guy, boys, children (let's call them what they really are), you should be aware of the fact that chicks are not at all stupid. If you're pulling shit on us, eventually we will catch your asses. And caling you out on your shit doesn't make us bitches. Being tired of the fact that all you do is text us when you're bored or need to feel better about yourselves also doesn't make us bitches. In fact, I believe the only reason this would make us bitches would be because we are forcing you to take a look at yourself; to see what you have ignored for so long. And guys, there is no way that this could make us bitches.

Guys, you should know that we will get tired of this. And ladies, you should know that you could have it so much better.

I think that in this case, M is not doing anything wrong. And neither is Ernie; at least not the way that he views it. But FYI, stringing a girl along is so not cool; it makes you a huge douchebag.

Boys, I'm leaving you with this thought: we all know that so many of you are douchebags. I don't know if it's because you're at this stage of your life where you're a little lost, and need to find yourself; but that's not an excuse for being an ass. You should know that if you keep on like this, there will come the time when you dislike yourself for all the douchy ass shit that you've done. For the time being, don't need to go the extra mile and mindfuck with some chick to prove the level of douchbaggery to yourself... just look at a mirror.